I’m coming up (or have recently) passed the anniversaries of the deaths of the people I lost in 2021. I lost my grandmother unexpectedly in May 2021 while I was on a short vacation with my son in Mexico. That one hit me hard. She was my ”white knight” as a child; my safe place when life was diffciult. She was my champion, and I didn’t get the call to say ”goodbye” while I was in another country. Although we had openly discussed her passing with her for years, it still hit me like a ton of bricks.
Then my mediumship mentor, Terri, passed in August following a 16-month struggle with “the c-word”. I was pissed. She was way too young (says my mind); although, I know that age is relative to seeing both the spiritual and physical understandings of space and time. Her body gave out and simply couldn’t house that big, bright soul of hers any longer.
My middle offspring lost an important figure in her life just 12 days before that. In September her sister, my oldest, lost a best friend. Then, only a couple of months later, my last living aunt passed away 2 days before Thanksgiving, leaving my favorite/closest uncle feeling the deep grief which can only come from losing your “other”. My parents had already planned a cross-country move for that Thanksgiving weekend, so they left within days of my aunt’s memorial, compounding the feeling of loss for what was left of my family in Phoenix. Within weeks of their departure, I had to euthanize our family dog – between Thanksgiving and Christmas. My uncle’s dog, Buddy, unexpectedly died only months after my aunt’s death. Buddy was his therapy dog in the wake of her passing. The loss was immeasurable for him, so my heartache was compounded on his behalf.
It was as if I had no time to go through the 5 stages of grief before the next transition hit. I would get to Stage 2: Anger. I even made it all the way to Stage 4: Depression before experiencing another reason to go back to Stage 1: WTF? (aka Denial). I stopped all spiritual work after my grandmother’s passing. I just couldn’t do it. I was unable to summon the energy required to help others on their journey. I even stopped doing weekly and regular readings for myself for the first time in over two decades. I put on weight. I’ve experienced medical issues. I went back to work in travel where I used to find some semblance of connection and joy with others. Now, as we see our way to the other side of Covid, people (travelers in particular) are just ”different” and can often be unpleasant. In the last 14 months or so, my life has been a slow-moving shit-show of grief-fueled depression and good food.
It’s been rough saying “No”. I had a number of people reaching out to me for readings during this time, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything to help them; no Tarot cards, no psychic work, no mediumship. I didn’t want to be in touch with Spirit because my own soul, my spirit, was being sucked down in a swirling dark pool, unable to come up for air. Don’t get me wrong. Spirit would sometimes bust through even when I didn’t want it to. Like the young boy, murdered just months prior, who kept “tapping me” (getting in my thoughts and vision), actually forcing me to interrupt a conversation I was having so I could reach out to his mother. Terri, my aunt, and my grandmother came through, too. I just refused to actively pursue those connections; although, they found me anyway.
I talked myself up when I could. I know that the Universe is cyclical. Everything runs in cycles including joy and sadness. I was comfortable in my sadness. I bought a recliner. I paid for all the premium channels on my Roku. I ate carbs, processed foods and sugary treats, sitting in my chair, in front of my TV. I was creating a comfort zone in my grief. But, as I’ve always said, there is no growth in the comfort zone.
“No growth in the comfort zone!” Sometimes I despise reading the happy crap I’ve written in the past because, in the heaviness of my spiritual depression, I just want the “easiness” of sitting in the comfort zone, zoning out, doing nothing requiring more energy than I’ve already given.
And then Terri’s sister reached out to me this past week. We connected and shared what we’ve been “getting” from Terri, from The Universe. We’re coming up on the anniversary of Terri’s passing, and her sister is going to relaunch her website for Chicks with Spiritual Gifts because Terri wanted the work to continue after she was gone. In the past month, I’ve made myself do my weekly readings, and I’ve conducted a few mediumship readings along with some card readings for others, expecting I’d be called up to the task again. In all honesty, the “flow” is better, even smoother now. My psychic insight and intuitive ability seem almost easier than before. If you’re a spiritual person at all, you’ll get when I say that I’ve “leveled up”. It could also be that I’ve got some seriously loving Spirit in my corner on the Other Side.
So I decided that I’m going to work with Terri’s sister and a few others to take on her clients and continue her work because it’s something I’m really good at, and I’m ready to live again (I think). I’ve come through my own personal hell, and I’m leveling up. I still have work to do; weight to lose; joy to seek. It’s most definitely not comfortable, but I guess it’s time to grow.